Why moving back can be harder than moving away (2024)

The concept of home is deeply rooted in complexity and emotion. The memories and experiences that tether us to ‘home’ and shape us in our formative years can make it frightening to leave the comfort and familiarity behind. Taking the leap and moving to an unknown city – or even another continent – takes confidence and a willingness to adapt and make sacrifices, but what if the most difficult transition of all is returning to the place you used to call home?

This writer has minimal experience with moving countries but it’s an experience nevertheless. In 2018, I moved to Vancouver for six months, tagging along with my boyfriend when work took him there. The West Coast of Canada isn’t a culture shock but there were still significant differences to our life in London. We spent our weekends hiking, swimming in lakes, renting tiny cars by the hour and driving to the local beach, or the ferry port to hop over to an idyllic island for the day. I haven’t been to another city so immersed in nature, with mountains in the background and the sea never more than a 20-minute drive away. There were bears, raccoons and whales – we’d see skunks in the garden of our little rented house.

The culture and design scene were far less exciting and diverse than what we were used to in London and there wasn’t a single boutique hotel that I would have been excited to stay in, though the food and coffee were excellent and the city was cleaner and quieter than home. The arrival of autumn was visually spectacular and Halloween in our neighbourhood felt like a scene from a Hallmark movie.

We were away for less than a year, so our time in Canada was a flash in the pan, but on returning to London (something I was excited about), I spent about a month convinced we’d made the wrong decision. The city seemed filthy and run down compared to the picture-perfect area where we’d been living. It smelled bad, there was an overwhelming amount of litter, graffiti, people, and noise. It wasn’t so easy (or cheap) to jump in a borrowed car at weekends anymore and even if we could, the nearest beach was two hours away, the mountains non-existent, the rent eye-watering. It quickly began to feel normal again and now I barely remember being away but for a short time, the much-anticipated feeling of being ‘home’ was replaced by the urge to escape.

I spoke to seven people about their differing experiences with moving back and interior stylist and consultant Gillian Lawlee faced the most dramatic life upheaval, having returned to her native Cork after 21 years living in California. When reflecting on the unexpected challenges of moving ‘home’ to Ireland, having left for the US when she was barely into adulthood, Gillian says, “I left Ireland at 20 and spent 21 years living in California. I did everything for the first time there, from learning to drive to building a career, getting married and having kids, even getting used to dealing with utilities and other practical ‘adult’ things. I wasn’t prepared for the emotional and psychological stress of starting again from scratch when I came home (by choice) to Cork.

Life is slower here in the literal sense – I wasn’t prepared for how much is still done by snail mail and phone call, versus online or automated systems where it’s clear what steps you need to take. It means you get a lot of different answers to the same questions, depending on who you talk to, so getting something done can be a matter of getting the right person on the phone, on the right day. I had to start again as a learner driver and pay for lessons to get my Irish driving licence, even though I’d been driving in the US for 20 years because there was no license exchange programme. I also had to wait for a re-diagnosis of conditions that I was already being treated for in California because I couldn’t access my regular medication otherwise.